Thursday, October 30, 2014


So here we are on the last day of October. And you know what that means, don’t you? That’s right—someone you know will be bragging about how they’ve already finished their Christmas shopping.

Yep, despite the fact it’s still eight weeks away, they managed to find the perfect gift for everyone they know. 

So how did they do it? Well, I have a few ideas:

A. They don’t actually have any friends (which, considering how they’re behaving right now, isn’t surprising).

B. Their friends and family have such poor taste they’ll gladly accept anything they’re given—including Instant Lottery tickets.

C. They‘re one of those annoying people who can actually figure out what everyone wants.

If the answer turns out to be option C, then you’ll be glad to know it’s Halloween and you have an excuse to plunge a knife into something.

Trivial fact: This is actually the reason we have Jack-O-Lanterns at Halloween. (They were originally called Jerk-O-Lanterns.)

Mind you, they may be just as clever and thoughtful with their trick-or-treating. So it’s worth dressing up as your favourite horror character (zombie, grim reaper, telemarketer) to see what you can get out of them. 

And if you don’t get what you want, just get into character and slash/stomp/bore their garden to death on the way out.

Fortunately you don’t have to worry about choosing the perfect gift for your friends and family. Simply rent a TV, home theatre system and gaming console from Home Appliance Rentals and your problems will be solved. They still won’t like the gifts you gave them, but you should be able to drown out the noise of them banging on your door and sending abusive text messages.

But you should probably call them as soon as you can. After all, those pumpkins are going to run out long before the bragging does.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Fitness Freak

Summer’s here at last (in fact I think it got here a few weeks early), and it’s time to go to the beach, ride a bike and whatever else people do in Coca-Cola commercials.
Unfortunately, when you start peeling off the layers that kept you warm all winter you may find you’ve developed a few layers yourself.

Of course, the obvious solution (other than hiding in the bathroom and eating nothing but low-fat Colgate for three months) is to head to the nearest gym and work them off. But the last thing you want to deal with is a bunch of sweaty people moaning and groaning for an hour. (And that’s just the staff at the front counter.)

Luckily you don’t have to. Thanks to Home Appliance Rentals you can have fitness equipment delivered and set up in your own home that you can use whenever you want. No driving across town, no waiting around for equipment, and no mirrors!

And forget about the machine where you put the belt around your waist and get shaken so violently you throw up. Home Appliance Rentals can deliver equipment that’s far more effective, such as:

the Treadmill. Step onto the conveyer belt, set the speed, and start running. Pretend you’re competing in a marathon (by throwing bottles of water over your head), or just run to the rhythm of your favourite music. Just make sure you don’t add any slow songs to your playlist, or you could find yourself suddenly being catapulted across the room.

the Cross Trainer. Grab onto the handles, step onto the pedals, and before you know it you’ll be stuck. But if you stick at it, you’ll soon be burning off all those calories in no time. (It’s also a great way to perfect your impression of a robot.)

the Exercise Bike. Remember the thrill of riding a bike when you were a kid—wind in your hair, bugs in your teeth and the neighbour’s dog chasing you? Well, you won’t get any of that with an exercise bike (unless you crank up the air-conditioner). But you can ride for an hour without looking like a human bug zapper and lose weight.

the Rower. If you’ve always wanted to row but couldn’t afford to go to a private school, then this is the one for you. Feel ever muscle in your body screaming out in pain without having to worry about accidentally drowning (except possibly in your own sweat).

Before you know it you’ll be burning off those extra layers, not to mention the clothes you’ve been wearing while you do it. (Washing powders are good, but they can’t perform miracles.)
Now you can stroll along the beach with confidence, walk up to the hottest girl/guy there, and whisper the words you’ve wanted to say for the past month.
“Got any toothpaste?”