Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Horror Movie

Congratulations. You’ve hired a fantastic home theatre package from Home Appliance Rentals, and now you want to invite your friends over for a movie marathon.

Be careful. One wrong choice and the entire night could be ruined. And I’m not talking about the movies, or even the pizza toppings.

I’m talking about your choice of friends.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. They’re probably all very nice people. But movie nights can bring out certain traits that make you want to beat them to death with the remote control. Or even force them to sit through “Gigli”.

Here’s a guide to the worst offenders, and what you can do about them.

The Movie Buff

This person has seen every movie ever made. They’ve also watched all the commentaries and memorised the goofs and trivia on IMDB. (They also tend to be unemployed and living with their parents.) Not only will you have to put up with “I’ve seen this” every time a movie starts, they’ll insist on sharing their knowledge by talking the entire time.

Solution: If any errand needs doing, this is the person to send. It can be anything—getting more alcohol, putting out the garbage, driving your mother to the airport, accompanying her on the plane, etc.

The Questioner

This person definitely hasn’t seen the movie. In fact, you’re not sure this person has ever seen a movie before in their lives. Before the opening credits have left the screen they’re asking what the characters’ names are, what the movie’s about, and a thousand other questions that will be answered if they’d just shut up and watch the goddamn movie.

Solution: Give this person as much food and alcohol as possible. Not only will it keep their mouths full so they (hopefully) don’t talk, it increases the chances of them passing out by the end of the opening scene. (And if that doesn’t work? Gaffer tape.)

The Remote Hog

This person is similar to The Questioner, except this person will actually pause the movie to ask his questions.

“Oh, so he’s the bad guy. I thought he was the good guy. Wasn’t he the good guy in the beginning?”

And if you’re not careful they’ll restart the entire movie to find out.

Solution: Do not let this person get anywhere near the remote control. You should also keep them away from the DVD player itself, the television, and probably society in general.

The Party Animal

This person would rather go clubbing and trying to pick up women than “sitting around with you lot watching a bunch of dumb movies”. They’ll spend the entire time talking about what they did the other night and how drunk they got.

Solution: Rent at least one movie that contains nudity, and play it first. If you’re lucky he’ll be heading to the nearest nightclub before the first sex scene is over.

With this guide, and your Home Appliance Rentals home theatre package, you’ll have a fantastic night. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the movies.

Oh, and don’t forget to remove that gaffer tape before your friend goes home.