Baby it's cold inside

We’re now smack bang in the middle of winter (“smack bang” being the sound of everyone trying to shut off their alarm clock), and it’s pretty darn cold out there. (Apparently it has something to do with the weather.)

And when I say “out there” I’m not talking about the temperature outside. I mean anywhere that isn’t… well, that isn’t under the doona.

Having a shower now involves sprinting to turn the hot water on, sprinting back into bed to get warm again, and then sprinting one last time to have a shower before the hot water runs out. You’ve taken up cooking because the stove is the warmest appliance in the house. And you’ve been holding the fridge door open more and more because it’s warmer in there than in your kitchen.

So what can you do besides nominating yourself for the next winter Olympics?

Well, you could wear your entire wardrobe at once, which will not only keep you warm but also deflect small calibre bullets. Just remember to peel off the first dozen layers when you go anywhere that’s heated to avoid spontaneously combusting.

Another option would be to turn on every appliance in the house and hope they generate enough heat to keep you warm without blowing a fuse. Just make sure the front door is unlocked so the neighbours can let themselves in when they want to complain about the noise.

Or you could do the smart thing and rent a heater from Home Appliance Rentals.
Why is it such a smart idea? Well, for starters you’re not buying something you’ll only use for six months or so. It also means you don’t have to find somewhere to store it during the summer when the influx of visitors means space is at a premium (except between your brother-in-law’s ears).

But best of all, you don’t have to worry about dragging it into the house and installing it. (If you’re anything like me, the only “exhaust kit” you want to deal with is your comfy armchair.) Home Appliance Rentals will do all that for you, leaving you to try and tackle the mountain of washing in your laundry.

It wasn’t always a mountain, of course. You used to be pretty much on top of your laundry. But with so much rain lately you haven’t been able to hang anything out, and if you don’t do something soon the laundry will be on top of you.

Forget about rummaging around for your least dirty pair of jeans—it’s too dangerous. In fact, the pile is so high now it’s starting to snow on your undergarments.

So why not hire a clothes dryer from Home Appliance Rentals as well as a heater? You’ll knock over that laundry in no time (a decent shove should do the trick), and you’ll have something far more interesting to watch than what’s on television at the moment.

(Remember: when you see your red sock spin around for the hundredth time, it’s not a repeat. It’s an “encore”.)

Thanks to Home Appliance Rentals you can finally get out from under that doona and demolish the mountain of laundry so can focus on more important matters.

Like finding out when the winter Olympics training program starts.

So near, yet sofa

There’s nothing quite like relaxing on the sofa with a drink in one hand and the TV remote in the other. You may even be able to change channels if the kids haven’t stolen the batteries for their latest toy.

Of course, if you’ve just spent all your money on the latest LED LCD 3D TV with built-in HDMI, Wi-Fi and 17 other acronyms you’re probably sitting on an old milk crate that doubles as your dining table.

But sooner or later you’ll want a decent sofa, if only so you don’t have to clear the table (i.e. tip your milk crate over) every time you want to sit down.

The easiest thing to do is hire a sofa from Home Appliance Rentals. They’ll not only deliver it for free, but also move it to the perfect spot in your lounge room. (It’s not like they’ll have to move a lot of furniture.)

It also means you’ll avoid the problems of choosing the wrong sofa, such as…

The quicksand effect

While you don’t want your sofa to feel like you’re sitting on a slab of concrete (or a milk crate), you don’t want it to be too soft either. Sure it feels great sinking into the cushions, but soon your knees are around your ears and you can’t pull yourself out again. And just like the quicksand in those B-grade movies, the more you struggle, the further you sink. (You may want to start growing some vines in your lounge room, just in case.)

Tip for renters:

Hang a large painting on the wall to hide all the holes made by your grappling hook.

On the other hand, this type of sofa is perfect if you’re inviting people over to look at your holiday snaps. Just ask them to sit, and within five minutes you’ll have a captive audience—literally.

The one good thing about sinking into the depths of your sofa is you might find all your stuff that’s been swallowed up by…

The black hole effect

You might think it’s a coincidence that all your loose change winds up under the cushions. But sofas are actually an alien technology, and their design creates a field like the Death Star’s tractor beam that attracts small objects—coins, keys, food, toddlers, etc.

That’s not such a bad thing. At least you know where to look if anything goes missing. (And it’s a lot cheaper than hiring a babysitter.) The problem is trying to get everything out again. If you’re lucky, you’ll just need to remove the cushions. But with some sofas you’ll need a screwdriver, some rope, and a crash course on abseiling.

And if it’s a sofa bed you also have to watch out for…

The guillotine effect

Once upon a time, someone thought people would love to be able to turn their sofa into a bed. (This person obviously didn’t have any relatives.) So they came up with a system of springs, hinges and levers that, with just a gentle pull, could turn an ordinary sofa into a guillotine.

Oh sure, if you pull with a certain force and place your fingers in certain positions you may also be able to turn it into a bed. But it’s more likely your unexpected guests will get to sleep in your bed while you’re at the hospital getting your fingers sewn back on.

Fortunately you don’t have to worry about any of this if you hire a sofa or sofa bed from Home Appliance Rentals. They’ll quickly show you how to change it from a sofa to a bed (and vice-versa) while keeping all your digits intact.

Best of all, you won’t have to go without the essentials (electricity, food, cable television) to buy one. In fact, you can probably pay the weekly fee with your loose change.

There should be plenty under the cushions.

Horror Movie

Congratulations. You’ve hired a fantastic home theatre package from Home Appliance Rentals, and now you want to invite your friends over for a movie marathon.

Be careful. One wrong choice and the entire night could be ruined. And I’m not talking about the movies, or even the pizza toppings.

I’m talking about your choice of friends.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. They’re probably all very nice people. But movie nights can bring out certain traits that make you want to beat them to death with the remote control. Or even force them to sit through “Gigli”.

Here’s a guide to the worst offenders, and what you can do about them.

The Movie Buff

This person has seen every movie ever made. They’ve also watched all the commentaries and memorised the goofs and trivia on IMDB. (They also tend to be unemployed and living with their parents.) Not only will you have to put up with “I’ve seen this” every time a movie starts, they’ll insist on sharing their knowledge by talking the entire time.

Solution: If any errand needs doing, this is the person to send. It can be anything—getting more alcohol, putting out the garbage, driving your mother to the airport, accompanying her on the plane, etc.

The Questioner

This person definitely hasn’t seen the movie. In fact, you’re not sure this person has ever seen a movie before in their lives. Before the opening credits have left the screen they’re asking what the characters’ names are, what the movie’s about, and a thousand other questions that will be answered if they’d just shut up and watch the goddamn movie.

Solution: Give this person as much food and alcohol as possible. Not only will it keep their mouths full so they (hopefully) don’t talk, it increases the chances of them passing out by the end of the opening scene. (And if that doesn’t work? Gaffer tape.)

The Remote Hog

This person is similar to The Questioner, except this person will actually pause the movie to ask his questions.

“Oh, so he’s the bad guy. I thought he was the good guy. Wasn’t he the good guy in the beginning?”

And if you’re not careful they’ll restart the entire movie to find out.

Solution: Do not let this person get anywhere near the remote control. You should also keep them away from the DVD player itself, the television, and probably society in general.

The Party Animal

This person would rather go clubbing and trying to pick up women than “sitting around with you lot watching a bunch of dumb movies”. They’ll spend the entire time talking about what they did the other night and how drunk they got.

Solution: Rent at least one movie that contains nudity, and play it first. If you’re lucky he’ll be heading to the nearest nightclub before the first sex scene is over.

With this guide, and your Home Appliance Rentals home theatre package, you’ll have a fantastic night. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the movies.

Oh, and don’t forget to remove that gaffer tape before your friend goes home.

The Healthy Alternative

If you look up “regret” in the dictionary, I’m sure one of the definitions will include the phrase “12-month gym membership”.

Like most things you decide after consuming half your body weight in alcohol, it seems like a great idea to begin with. You’ll be able to come every night after work (and even on the weekend!), and there’s plenty of equipment and classes to choose from. In no time at all you’ll be the fittest you’ve ever been.

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work out that way.

Half an hour of peak-hour traffic has transformed your enthusiasm into a kind of homicidal rage. In fact, the only exercise you’re interested in is taking a swing at every car in the parking lot with a baseball bat.

And when you walk inside, you soon realise every other person in the state is also working out after work. The aerobics classes are so full you can barely move, let alone jump around. Every piece of equipment is being used, posed on or repaired. And the combination of sweat, testosterone and ego makes you immediately want to take shower—right up to the point where you see the state they’re in.

In the end, the only workout you really get is writing the advert to sell your 51-week gym membership to some unsuspecting soul who doesn’t know any better.

A much better alternative is to hire your own gym equipment from Home Appliance Rentals. Not only will they deliver it, they’ll set it up exactly where you want it -- rumpus room, living room, your son’s bedroom (he’s hardly ever home anyway). No more driving miles out of your way. (And that’s just trying to find a parking spot!)

The equipment will always be available, and in perfect working order, so you can work out whenever you want. And if anything does go wrong, Home Appliance Rentals will fix it. (Well, maybe not if your son tried sleeping on the treadmill and is now wrapped around the conveyer belt.)

And when you’ve finished, you can have a shower knowing you’re not going to catch any nasty diseases such as Inflated Ego.

It won’t be long before you really are the fittest you’ve ever been.

And then you’ll be able to really do some damage with that baseball bat.

Romance for rent

As you’ve probably guessed by all the advertising, it’s Valentine’s Day. (The supermarket chains all think it’s Easter, but that’s another story.) Normally you’d be wallowing in self-pity (the electricity bill just isn’t the same as a card, is it?) and secretly hoping Cupid would start aiming for people’s heads.

But not this year. This year it’s different, because you actually have someone to enjoy it with. In fact, they’re coming around to your place for the first time to spend the most romantic evening of the year* with you.

Then it hits you: They’re coming around to your place.

And now you’re worried that your first night together could be your last.

Don’t panic. Home Appliance Rentals can help you out. Let’s see what needs to be done.

Okay, you might really like sitting in that beanbag, but I doubt they will. And don’t even think about offering to share. How about you stash it somewhere out of sight (the dumpster, perhaps?), and hire a lounge or sofa bed.

Tip: If you hire a sofa bed, don’t have it set up as a bed when they arrive. It tends to give the wrong impression (“I live in front of the TV”).

Speaking of TVs, it’s hard to relax when you’re squinting at the screen. So ditch the portable and hire out a flat screen TV instead. Oh, and you should probably grab yourself a home theatre package so you can watch a romantic movie as well. (The last thing you want to subject them to is free-to-air television.)

Of course, if you wanted to do something a bit more energetic you could… hire out a gaming console. (What were you thinking of?) Whether you’re into the Wii, Xbox 360 or PS3, Home Appliance Rentals has you covered.

Okay, that should pretty much do it. Now all you need is a nice meal (take-out is your friend), some drinks and you’ll be set.

Good luck, and may you get to unfold that sofa bed.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

* According to Hallmark, anyway.

New Year’s (Full HD) Resolution

Congratulations. You’ve survived Christmas, and the New Year. And if there was one word you could use to sum it all up it would be… regret.

Regret that you spent so much money at Christmas. Regret that you drank so much on New Year’s Eve. And regret that you not only made those New Year’s resolutions, but then told everyone you know about them all.

(It’s a little-known fact that part of the brain is reserved for remembering stuff like this. So while your friends won’t remember what they said to the girl at the bar, or why they woke up chained to a traffic light, they will remember what you told them.)

And now it’s not even the end of the month and you’re already facing your friends’ taunts of how you can’t commit to anything except alcohol.

The good news is Home Appliance Rentals can help.

Don’t believe me? Well, let’s take a look at the big three resolutions people make, shall we?

Lose weight

You’ve probably thought about joining the gym (just like you did last year), but figure it’s not worth paying a yearly membership when you can only get there a few times a month. Well, with Home Appliance Rentals’ fitness equipment hire, you can bring the gym to your place. No more driving to the gym (unless your house is huge, no more feeling self-conscious, and no more mirrors.

And if treadmills and exercise bikes aren’t your thing, they can still help out. Sure, you can’t get a workout lifting anything because they do all the delivery and installation for you. But if you hire one of their gaming packages you’ll soon be shedding the kilos as you swing your Wii remote or jump around in front of your Xbox Kinect.

And if that seems a bit too strenuous, you can always hire one of their home theatre packages and spend an afternoon strolling down the aisles of your nearest DVD store trying to choose a movie.

Save money

Let’s face it: household appliances are expensive. And I’m not just talking about buying them, either. First there’s all that driving around to find the best deal. Then you have to put up with the sales staff rattling off every acronym and technical term they can think of to try and sway you. And when you finally choose something there’s the cost of getting it all delivered, not to mention the anguish/threats of divorce as you try to set it all up.

With Home Appliance Rentals it’s just a weekly payment, and that’s it. They deliver, they set it up, and they look after it. In fact, about the only thing they don’t do is watch the TV shows for you. And rather than being stuck with what you bought, you can upgrade as new technology becomes available (like 5D-TV, where the actor’s fist actually comes out of the screen and punches you in the face).

Get organised

This is something we all threaten from time to time, which is why if you want to become a millionaire you should invest in whatever company makes plastic tubs. But while Home Appliance Rentals doesn’t offer any of those, they can help out in other ways.

Maybe you need a computer for the office to get all those paper files stored electronically. Or maybe you need an extra wardrobe or tall boy for the bedroom to get all those clothes off the floor. (“Look, honey. Floorboards!”) With Home Appliance Rentals you’ll spend less time looking for things, and more time enjoying them.

So, next time you see your friends and they ask how your new year’s resolutions are going, you’ll be able to tell them you’re doing great.

And you’ve even got the receipts to prove it.

Let's get physical

Now that Daylight Savings has kicked in, your kids are making the most of the extra sunlight—riding their bikes, kicking a ball or running around with their friends.

Ha! Just a little parenting joke there. What they’re actually doing is sitting on the couch, flicking through the TV channels and complaining they’re the only kid in the world who doesn’t have a video game console.

Not that the complaining is anything new. They’ve threatened to do everything from going on Jerry Springer to pleading their case to the United Nations (something about “Geneva Conventions” and “cruel and unusual punishment”). But you’re sticking by your guns, because the last thing you want is your child staring zombie-like at the television playing “Super Alien Mega Blaster Ultimate Deluxe – The Sequel” for days on end.

Well, Home Appliance Rentals can solve both your problems with their latest package—the Xbox 360 with Kinect, along with a television to hook it up to. (Believe me, you’ll want the extra television, otherwise you may never get to watch another TV show again.)

“Sure, that solves their problem” I hear you saying. “But what about mine? I don’t want them just sitting in front of the TV all day.”

But that’s what’s so great about Kinect. They can’t just sit around and blast away with the controller, because with Kinect games they are the controller. To play the game they have to stand up. And jump. And wave their arms. It’s just like an aerobics class, but without the instructor yelling at everyone for not keeping up. (Video games are very forgiving.)

What’s even better is that with a lot of Kinect games, you can both play at the same time. So you won’t be sitting there for hours waiting for them to finish their “turn”. (They’ll still kick your butt, but you won’t be bored while they do it.) Just make sure there’s plenty of space to play in, because if you’re not careful you could end up whacking them in the face (and possibly losing 500 points).

And believe me, by the end of the game you’ll feel like you have been to an aerobics class. And so will they. In fact, they might even decide to ride their bike for a while because it’s less strenuous.

Which will give you a chance to practise so you can start kicking their butt.