Horror Movie

Congratulations. You’ve hired a fantastic home theatre package from Home Appliance Rentals, and now you want to invite your friends over for a movie marathon.

Be careful. One wrong choice and the entire night could be ruined. And I’m not talking about the movies, or even the pizza toppings.

I’m talking about your choice of friends.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. They’re probably all very nice people. But movie nights can bring out certain traits that make you want to beat them to death with the remote control. Or even force them to sit through “Gigli”.

Here’s a guide to the worst offenders, and what you can do about them.

The Movie Buff

This person has seen every movie ever made. They’ve also watched all the commentaries and memorised the goofs and trivia on IMDB. (They also tend to be unemployed and living with their parents.) Not only will you have to put up with “I’ve seen this” every time a movie starts, they’ll insist on sharing their knowledge by talking the entire time.

Solution: If any errand needs doing, this is the person to send. It can be anything—getting more alcohol, putting out the garbage, driving your mother to the airport, accompanying her on the plane, etc.

The Questioner

This person definitely hasn’t seen the movie. In fact, you’re not sure this person has ever seen a movie before in their lives. Before the opening credits have left the screen they’re asking what the characters’ names are, what the movie’s about, and a thousand other questions that will be answered if they’d just shut up and watch the goddamn movie.

Solution: Give this person as much food and alcohol as possible. Not only will it keep their mouths full so they (hopefully) don’t talk, it increases the chances of them passing out by the end of the opening scene. (And if that doesn’t work? Gaffer tape.)

The Remote Hog

This person is similar to The Questioner, except this person will actually pause the movie to ask his questions.

“Oh, so he’s the bad guy. I thought he was the good guy. Wasn’t he the good guy in the beginning?”

And if you’re not careful they’ll restart the entire movie to find out.

Solution: Do not let this person get anywhere near the remote control. You should also keep them away from the DVD player itself, the television, and probably society in general.

The Party Animal

This person would rather go clubbing and trying to pick up women than “sitting around with you lot watching a bunch of dumb movies”. They’ll spend the entire time talking about what they did the other night and how drunk they got.

Solution: Rent at least one movie that contains nudity, and play it first. If you’re lucky he’ll be heading to the nearest nightclub before the first sex scene is over.

With this guide, and your Home Appliance Rentals home theatre package, you’ll have a fantastic night. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the movies.

Oh, and don’t forget to remove that gaffer tape before your friend goes home.

The Healthy Alternative

If you look up “regret” in the dictionary, I’m sure one of the definitions will include the phrase “12-month gym membership”.

Like most things you decide after consuming half your body weight in alcohol, it seems like a great idea to begin with. You’ll be able to come every night after work (and even on the weekend!), and there’s plenty of equipment and classes to choose from. In no time at all you’ll be the fittest you’ve ever been.

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work out that way.

Half an hour of peak-hour traffic has transformed your enthusiasm into a kind of homicidal rage. In fact, the only exercise you’re interested in is taking a swing at every car in the parking lot with a baseball bat.

And when you walk inside, you soon realise every other person in the state is also working out after work. The aerobics classes are so full you can barely move, let alone jump around. Every piece of equipment is being used, posed on or repaired. And the combination of sweat, testosterone and ego makes you immediately want to take shower—right up to the point where you see the state they’re in.

In the end, the only workout you really get is writing the advert to sell your 51-week gym membership to some unsuspecting soul who doesn’t know any better.

A much better alternative is to hire your own gym equipment from Home Appliance Rentals. Not only will they deliver it, they’ll set it up exactly where you want it -- rumpus room, living room, your son’s bedroom (he’s hardly ever home anyway). No more driving miles out of your way. (And that’s just trying to find a parking spot!)

The equipment will always be available, and in perfect working order, so you can work out whenever you want. And if anything does go wrong, Home Appliance Rentals will fix it. (Well, maybe not if your son tried sleeping on the treadmill and is now wrapped around the conveyer belt.)

And when you’ve finished, you can have a shower knowing you’re not going to catch any nasty diseases such as Inflated Ego.

It won’t be long before you really are the fittest you’ve ever been.

And then you’ll be able to really do some damage with that baseball bat.

Romance for rent

As you’ve probably guessed by all the advertising, it’s Valentine’s Day. (The supermarket chains all think it’s Easter, but that’s another story.) Normally you’d be wallowing in self-pity (the electricity bill just isn’t the same as a card, is it?) and secretly hoping Cupid would start aiming for people’s heads.

But not this year. This year it’s different, because you actually have someone to enjoy it with. In fact, they’re coming around to your place for the first time to spend the most romantic evening of the year* with you.

Then it hits you: They’re coming around to your place.

And now you’re worried that your first night together could be your last.

Don’t panic. Home Appliance Rentals can help you out. Let’s see what needs to be done.

Okay, you might really like sitting in that beanbag, but I doubt they will. And don’t even think about offering to share. How about you stash it somewhere out of sight (the dumpster, perhaps?), and hire a lounge or sofa bed.

Tip: If you hire a sofa bed, don’t have it set up as a bed when they arrive. It tends to give the wrong impression (“I live in front of the TV”).

Speaking of TVs, it’s hard to relax when you’re squinting at the screen. So ditch the portable and hire out a flat screen TV instead. Oh, and you should probably grab yourself a home theatre package so you can watch a romantic movie as well. (The last thing you want to subject them to is free-to-air television.)

Of course, if you wanted to do something a bit more energetic you could… hire out a gaming console. (What were you thinking of?) Whether you’re into the Wii, Xbox 360 or PS3, Home Appliance Rentals has you covered.

Okay, that should pretty much do it. Now all you need is a nice meal (take-out is your friend), some drinks and you’ll be set.

Good luck, and may you get to unfold that sofa bed.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

* According to Hallmark, anyway.

New Year’s (Full HD) Resolution

Congratulations. You’ve survived Christmas, and the New Year. And if there was one word you could use to sum it all up it would be… regret.

Regret that you spent so much money at Christmas. Regret that you drank so much on New Year’s Eve. And regret that you not only made those New Year’s resolutions, but then told everyone you know about them all.

(It’s a little-known fact that part of the brain is reserved for remembering stuff like this. So while your friends won’t remember what they said to the girl at the bar, or why they woke up chained to a traffic light, they will remember what you told them.)

And now it’s not even the end of the month and you’re already facing your friends’ taunts of how you can’t commit to anything except alcohol.

The good news is Home Appliance Rentals can help.

Don’t believe me? Well, let’s take a look at the big three resolutions people make, shall we?

Lose weight

You’ve probably thought about joining the gym (just like you did last year), but figure it’s not worth paying a yearly membership when you can only get there a few times a month. Well, with Home Appliance Rentals’ fitness equipment hire, you can bring the gym to your place. No more driving to the gym (unless your house is huge, no more feeling self-conscious, and no more mirrors.

And if treadmills and exercise bikes aren’t your thing, they can still help out. Sure, you can’t get a workout lifting anything because they do all the delivery and installation for you. But if you hire one of their gaming packages you’ll soon be shedding the kilos as you swing your Wii remote or jump around in front of your Xbox Kinect.

And if that seems a bit too strenuous, you can always hire one of their home theatre packages and spend an afternoon strolling down the aisles of your nearest DVD store trying to choose a movie.

Save money

Let’s face it: household appliances are expensive. And I’m not just talking about buying them, either. First there’s all that driving around to find the best deal. Then you have to put up with the sales staff rattling off every acronym and technical term they can think of to try and sway you. And when you finally choose something there’s the cost of getting it all delivered, not to mention the anguish/threats of divorce as you try to set it all up.

With Home Appliance Rentals it’s just a weekly payment, and that’s it. They deliver, they set it up, and they look after it. In fact, about the only thing they don’t do is watch the TV shows for you. And rather than being stuck with what you bought, you can upgrade as new technology becomes available (like 5D-TV, where the actor’s fist actually comes out of the screen and punches you in the face).

Get organised

This is something we all threaten from time to time, which is why if you want to become a millionaire you should invest in whatever company makes plastic tubs. But while Home Appliance Rentals doesn’t offer any of those, they can help out in other ways.

Maybe you need a computer for the office to get all those paper files stored electronically. Or maybe you need an extra wardrobe or tall boy for the bedroom to get all those clothes off the floor. (“Look, honey. Floorboards!”) With Home Appliance Rentals you’ll spend less time looking for things, and more time enjoying them.

So, next time you see your friends and they ask how your new year’s resolutions are going, you’ll be able to tell them you’re doing great.

And you’ve even got the receipts to prove it.

Let's get physical

Now that Daylight Savings has kicked in, your kids are making the most of the extra sunlight—riding their bikes, kicking a ball or running around with their friends.

Ha! Just a little parenting joke there. What they’re actually doing is sitting on the couch, flicking through the TV channels and complaining they’re the only kid in the world who doesn’t have a video game console.

Not that the complaining is anything new. They’ve threatened to do everything from going on Jerry Springer to pleading their case to the United Nations (something about “Geneva Conventions” and “cruel and unusual punishment”). But you’re sticking by your guns, because the last thing you want is your child staring zombie-like at the television playing “Super Alien Mega Blaster Ultimate Deluxe – The Sequel” for days on end.

Well, Home Appliance Rentals can solve both your problems with their latest package—the Xbox 360 with Kinect, along with a television to hook it up to. (Believe me, you’ll want the extra television, otherwise you may never get to watch another TV show again.)

“Sure, that solves their problem” I hear you saying. “But what about mine? I don’t want them just sitting in front of the TV all day.”

But that’s what’s so great about Kinect. They can’t just sit around and blast away with the controller, because with Kinect games they are the controller. To play the game they have to stand up. And jump. And wave their arms. It’s just like an aerobics class, but without the instructor yelling at everyone for not keeping up. (Video games are very forgiving.)

What’s even better is that with a lot of Kinect games, you can both play at the same time. So you won’t be sitting there for hours waiting for them to finish their “turn”. (They’ll still kick your butt, but you won’t be bored while they do it.) Just make sure there’s plenty of space to play in, because if you’re not careful you could end up whacking them in the face (and possibly losing 500 points).

And believe me, by the end of the game you’ll feel like you have been to an aerobics class. And so will they. In fact, they might even decide to ride their bike for a while because it’s less strenuous.

Which will give you a chance to practise so you can start kicking their butt.

Cool Choice

So your fridge on its last legs... er, castors, and it’s time to get a new one. Well, you could go out and buy one. Of course to afford it you’d have to give up a few luxuries such as food and electricity, which kind of makes the whole idea redundant. Your new white good would just become a white elephant (ears and trunk sold separately).

Then of course you have to get it to your house, which means either paying the store a delivery fee or paying a few mates with beer.

A much smarter idea is to hire a fridge from Home Appliance Rentals. They’ll help you choose the fridge that’s right for you, and then deliver and install it. And because you’re only paying a small amount each week you’ll be able to actually fill it with food.

But before any of that can happen you need to deal with the old one.

The first thing you need is a big, sturdy esky with a strong lid. This will give you something to sit on while you remove everything stuck to the fridge door—the latest round of bills, a notice about the upcoming school fete (and whether you can contribute) bills, and dozens of coupons for things you never buy at places you never go to. And all held there with magnets from pizza shops, video stores and your local politician. (This is what they really mean when they talk about “supporting the community”.)

Once you’ve finished that, it’s time to put the food you want to keep in the esky to keep it cool. And to do that you’ll need to fill it with ice.

Fortunately there’s plenty in the freezer—at least two or three inches of it all the way around. You just need to grab a pickaxe (explosives really shouldn’t be used indoors) and start chipping away. As you break through the layers you’ll discover long-lost frozen dinners and half-eaten tubs of ice-cream you can barely remember buying. But I wouldn’t bother saving them, as they’ll all be well past their “Use By” dates, which are probably in Roman numerals.

(The good news is your Home Appliance Rentals fridge will be frost-free.)

With your freezer contents either inside the esky or on their way to the local science museum, it’s time to tackle the rest of the fridge. This will be a trip down memory lane as you rediscover foods bought with the best intentions but never actually used: fetta cheese for homemade pizzas (it was quicker and easier to order one), milk for health shakes (which is now threatening to explode out of the carton), and assorted vegetables for your health kick that now lay limp in what’s laughably called the “crisper”. You’ll probably need several industrial-strength garbage bags to get rid of it all, not to mention a peg for your nose.

With your fridge now empty, you’re all set to have your Home Appliance Rentals fridge delivered and installed. Soon you’ll be marvelling at how much better it is, and how you’d better get shopping if you want to eat dinner.

And what should you do with the old fridge? Well, how about contributing it to that school fete? You could turn it into a game of “What’s that smell?” A dollar a turn, and you win ten dollars if you get them right. (Twenty if you can do it without being ill.)

The Finals Countdown

Will you look at that. It’s September already. And you know what that means. Yes, department stores will soon be hanging up their Christmas decorations.

But it also means the football season is drawing to a close, and it won’t be long before we’re all suffering from a bad case of “Finals Fever”.

Of course, the biggest sufferers will be those who couldn’t get to the game. Unfortunately tickets are limited, as are the number of times you can mortgage your house to pay for them. But thanks to Home Appliance Rentals you can feel like you’re there without breaking the bank.

Seeing is believing

The first thing you’ll need is a TV screen—the bigger, the better. You wouldn’t buy seats in row ZZ, so why feel like you’re sitting there? You want to feel like you’re practically sitting on the boundary line, and about to be told off by security. And with games now being broadcast in high definition, you’ll be able to see individual blades of grass—well, at least before they get stomped into the turf.

Home Appliance Rentals has a screen to suit every home and every budget. And because they not only deliver the screen but install it as well, the only time you’ll have to lift a finger is to change channels.

A sound investment

So you’ve got your spot on the boundary line. But what’s that you hear? A dishwasher? Someone mowing the lawn? That’s not what you hear at a football match. Where’s the roar of the crowd?

You need a home theatre system to drown out those sounds and bring the footy atmosphere (minus the cigarette smoke) right into your living room. The good news is Home Appliance Rentals can help you out there, too.

Once the system has been delivered and installed, all you’ll be able to hear will be the crack of leather on leather, the crack of fist against face, and the crack about the umpire’s apparent vision problems. You won’t be able to hear the lawn mower even if you tried—probably because the owner’s shut it off so they can hear the game as well.

After the game

And so ends another football season. The game’s been won, the trophy’s been held aloft, and the commentators have finally stopped talking. Now what?

Well, you could have Home Appliance Rentals pick it up and take it away. (Be ready for the tears.) But if I were you I’d definitely keep it for a while.

After all, Bathurst is coming up next.